Stock Market Survivor Gifts

'Our fund lost millions, but the good news is our management fees are not based on performance.'

"Let's first talk about how you could have done worse."

Sign reading "Bought High; Sold Low."

"The market was volatile."

'Since I lost my shirt on the stock market, I now only accept strong currency or gold bullion.'

'Your portfolio took a beating...,but the good news is no humans or animals were injured.'

'This app is linked to my financial advisor and provides simulated hand holding when the market is down.'

'What's the symbol of that stock you lost your shirt on when it became underpriced?'

"Sure, you lost most of your money investing in this stock, but they did give you a participation trophy."

"This building used to be a laundry. I lost my shirt then too."

Just in: Condolence cards for the small investor.

"I'm waiting till I can land on the broker who advised me on what to buy."

"First me stock split, then my wife ran away with my broker, then my driverless car drove off without me..."

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'Oh, dear. Declines outnumbered advances.'

'Look on the bright side -- we could still be in the MARKET.'

Trading in on-line shares, please help.

Watching the decline

'If it's any consolation, your portfoilo is now in a far better place.'

"Your broker called. You're broke."

"You're looking at a guy who parlayed innovative financing, a little bit of money and unbridled greed into crippling debt."

"Nothing in my hat. Nothing up my sleeve. And as of right now, ladies and gentlemen, nothing at all left in my goddamn portfolio."

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

Desert Island BBQ

Sub-prime Bear

'Now let's proceed downstairs and see where our stock shares presently sits,'

'Hi, I'm the ghost of your past, present and future stock portfolio!'

'Get me some shares in public opinion.'

'In the belief that no news is good news, today's financial report has been cancelled.'

"Subtracting net cash brings the P/E down to 47, and, finally, crossing out the 4 brings it down to a very reasonable P/E of 7."

"Here, we realized it was not some awful fever dream."

'McWit Plumbing and Lite Puff Pastries.' The only way to survive in today's economy it's good to diversify.'

'Tech stocks performed better today after the market was defragged.'

"Phew! I'm glad this part of the ride is over..."

"Today stocks rose on the news that 'down' is a temporary state of mind."