Stock Market Swashbuckler Gifts

Finance piracy

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"Gentlemen, we're missing a great opportunity by not hitching this company to the current tailspin."

"I had that nightmare again where everyone found out I'm in my late thirties and still have no idea how the stock market works."

"I hope you're not going to let this I.P.O. affect your grades."

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

Pirate eye test

"Cap'n FancyPants got himself an i-Patch."

'Mr Rombly has cancelled his appointment. The Dow is up and he's feeling no pain.'

'The latest market research shows that men's neckware width is the most accurate indicator of market fluctuations.'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

Animal worries.

Even pirates have kids. 'Look, mom...no hands!'

"Don't trust his tail—I know a scallywag when I see one."

'What's this? You're suing me because the prescribed medication made you 'irrationally exuberant' in a down market?'

Corporate pirate.

"Good news. Pork bellies just dropped four points."

'No, your stock didn't split. The fact it's worth half of what it was yesterday is just an amazing coincidence.'

'Your indestructible portfolio will go kablooey just before your indestructible marriage goes kablooey.'

"I learned about the birds and the bees in school. Now tell me about the bulls and bears."

'Eddy - For Heavens sake, stop watching Pirates-of-the-Caribbean-movies!'

Economic crisis.

Have a very piratical Birthday

'Wow...you must have had a really bad day, eh, mate?'

'It's the last time you get shore leave on your own!'

"You are now $15,000 richer. I found the online password to your brokerage account 20 traders ago."

'Investments in money funds increased this month on news it TAKES money to MAKE money.'

Got anything for the small investor?

'What's the point? We're never going to be able to compete with online piracy.'

Funk Facts: Pirates.

'I teach history specializing in swashbuckling.'

'Sure, I'll come on board for five-hundred times your average worker's wage, plus double that in stock options, and unlimited use of the corporate jet. Also free postage.'

'Take your eye patch and that stupid parrot and your wooden leg and get out.'

"I'm slippin' ashore for some last minute essentials..."

"Well, that's not a good market indicator."