Stock Market Skeptic Gifts

'If you're so smart, how come you never invest any of your own money?'

'There's no correlation to stock prices. It's just a 'feel good' graph.'

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

'Buy low, sell high, stay diversified? Do you think I'm stupid enough to fall for such a 'get rich quick' ponzi scheme?'

"This investment will make a pile of money. Of course, a good question is 'for whom?'"

"Could you go over that once again,

'George has us well diversified. We own every stock in the Misfortune 500.'

"Your steered the proper course, Cap'n, when you had us bury this instead of investing it in the market!"

"How many people get the chance to start all over? Now that your retirement account is worthless, you'll have that opportunity."

"What are they up to?"

"September can be a bad month for buying stocks...other bad months for buying stocks can be October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June, July and August."

'The stock market never interested me. I don't like to share with anyone!'

You need to transfer your fear of the falling stock market into a healthy activity. Try skydiving.

"Uh, obfuscation fails me."

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

'I call this our 'Unethical Fund'. It holds only companies whose executives are in jail.'

For all the good our stockbroker's advice has been, we might as well cut him out as middleman and manage the money ourselves.

Stock Market - Ok, you've convinced me - give me one more share.

If I'd had a 401 k it would have all been in company stock

'I' believe this fund's prospectus more if it didn't start out 'once upon a time'.'

'....and now for the stock market report....yes, it is as bad as you think and yes again....they ARE out to get you.'

'What stocks do I own? None! The stock market is for idiots!'

I think I'll make my own share selection.

'When I said I wanted to retire and get away from it all, I didn't mean al of my money.'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

Stock market investment advice

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

'Whenever they discuss trickle-down economics, I have to go to the bathroom.'

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

'Okay, let the minutes show we're not absconding with the money until the economy improves...'

'If congress regulates obscene bonuses, isn't that a violation of the first amendment?'

'Stocks plummeted today, on forecasts that tomorrow will be warm and muggy.'

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

'If America's economy is so bad how can we afford a billion dollars on presidential campaigns?'