Stock Market Skeptics Gifts

"For clients with an extremely low risk tolerance, I recommend they talk to someone with a ground-floor office."

'Right. Making money in the stock market isn't everything... that leaves bonds.'

'Since stocks are so wacko now,I'm advising clients to go with their lucky numbers on lotto tickets.'

"Remember, we must project the illusion that our main responsibility is to our stockholders."

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"(Huff) Here's (huff) your (huff) tea (huff... huff... huff... huff...)" "I will almost certainly regret asking you this, but what on earth are you doing, you cretin?" "All (huff) across America, (huff) office workers are ditching (huff) their desks and walking (huff) on treadmills while they work." "Can I get some water?" "Coming right up." "Good thing I wore my tripping shoes."

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

Stock market investment advice

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

Standard & Poor

"Elon Musk is buying rope and walnuts."

'Whenever they discuss trickle-down economics, I have to go to the bathroom.'

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

'Okay, let the minutes show we're not absconding with the money until the economy improves...'

'If congress regulates obscene bonuses, isn't that a violation of the first amendment?'

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

'If America's economy is so bad how can we afford a billion dollars on presidential campaigns?'

'The bailouts worked, the stock market shot up to 15,000 and everyone was relieved.'

'There's no correlation to stock prices. It's just a 'feel good' graph.'

'I was wondering, Mr. Hartwelder, if I could be paid in money rather than stock options?'

'Just this once, but I want a piece of the action.'

"Humpty Dumpty had a great fall? Was he invested in emerging markets?"

This horse isn't dead. It's just sleeping.

Deposits insured by the U.S. Government (which has a $4.2 trillion debt).

It's 10 p.m. Do you know how low your investment banking stocks can go?

'Today the stock market closed early so money managers could take time to stop and smell the profits.'

We lost money in every division, but through the magic of accounting, our Take A Penny Leave A Penny trays earned $46 million.

'Great speech on the future of the economy. You said nothing with great conviction.'

The private sector is a parasite on the economy.

"You want to withdraw your money? There's a fee for that."

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

'In an effort to make our economic reporting and projections more accurate, our resident weatherman will be delivering the economic news.'

"This investment will make a pile of money. Of course, a good question is 'for whom?'"

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'