Market Skeptic Gifts

"Invest? No offense, but I've read about you guys."

The worst is over...the worst is yet to come.

'If he knows so much about stocks and shares, how come he still has to work?'

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

'... And this is Goldsmith, our futures consultant.'

Stock market investment advice

'Stocks were up on news that no performance enhancing drugs were used to achieve today's highs. . .'

Bernard Madhoff $50-billion Ponzi financial scheme.

'The Truth-in-advertising people want us to call ourselves the 'Sluggish Fund Group'.'

'Okay, let the minutes show we're not absconding with the money until the economy improves...'

'So, a bailout is like a Ponzi scheme for automakers?'

'Whenever they discuss trickle-down economics, I have to go to the bathroom.'

'Can you see the future of my 401(k)?'

'I wonder how this is going to affect the market?'

'If America's economy is so bad how can we afford a billion dollars on presidential campaigns?'

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

The contract was not worth the paper it was written on, which considering the paper was not a good sign.

'I've been in Washington for 30 years, and that's the biggest rathole I'VE ever seen!'

'If congress regulates obscene bonuses, isn't that a violation of the first amendment?'

'The bailouts worked, the stock market shot up to 15,000 and everyone was relieved.'

'There's no correlation to stock prices. It's just a 'feel good' graph.'

Buy One Get One Free Sign Outside Shoe Shop

'Now this is a fabulous strategy that has worked flawlessly every year, except for those when it failed miserably.'

Euro fall...

This horse isn't dead. It's just sleeping.

We lost money in every division, but through the magic of accounting, our Take A Penny Leave A Penny trays earned $46 million.

"Multi-level marketing!"

'Today the stock market closed early so money managers could take time to stop and smell the profits.'

'Great speech on the future of the economy. You said nothing with great conviction.'

The private sector is a parasite on the economy.

'Stocks dropped today, proving once again that life sucks.'

If middle-age birthday cards were honest...

'In an effort to make our economic reporting and projections more accurate, our resident weatherman will be delivering the economic news.'

"This investment will make a pile of money. Of course, a good question is 'for whom?'"

" will enver read that book, and I"m eagerly waiting to avoid the movie."