Steakhouse Satirist Gifts

'Darling, we're vegetarians. We must stop meat eating like this.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"We cancelled Netfix for this?"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'..The wolves have got the sheep pinned against their own 1-yard line again!'

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

"Veal or non-veal?"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

Sun Dried Ice Cubes

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

Intolerant Chef

"He's Britains most eligible Spatula."

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

"Never mind the cost of living crisis, dear, you still need your 5-a-day."

Commie Chef.

"A Mister 'Ty Gurr' wants to reserve a table next to our fattest customer."

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

The Grazy Bunch!

'We're very on-the-hoof, of the moment kind of people - would it be possible to dine off Styrofoam?'

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

'Mix 1lb of greed with 2oz of corruption, fold in a sprinkle of ignorance then put on the shelf...'

"Okay, so what do we add?"

"You'll be perfect for this Emeril Lagasse recipe I want to try!"

'...and a food processor, but please, don't try this at home...'

"No wonder they didn't like it. I forgot to sprinkle the antidepressant on it."