Steak Satirist Gifts

A Cow Funeral.

Spot the difference.

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"Don't worry about it now, but I'll need that hook back when you're done."

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

This government special reserve fund is like a cookie jar for crooked cronies!

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

Edna, I fear our love doesn't have a future... My parents would eat you!

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

'..The wolves have got the sheep pinned against their own 1-yard line again!'

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'I overheard the farmer say I have a future at McDonalds.'

The real reason salad aids weight loss

Sun Dried Ice Cubes

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'People soup again?'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

Farmed Salmon Restaurant - Everyone squashed together.

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

Intolerant Chef