Satirical Chef Gifts

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

"I'm sorry, but your restaurant has failed on a number of issues"

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

'Mix 1lb of greed with 2oz of corruption, fold in a sprinkle of ignorance then put on the shelf...'

"Umm, smell that? That's the annual accountant's Cooking the Books Cook-Off."

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

"Never mind the cost of living crisis, dear, you still need your 5-a-day."

"Okay, so what do we add?"

"You'll be perfect for this Emeril Lagasse recipe I want to try!"

'...and a food processor, but please, don't try this at home...'

'Is dinner ready?'

"He's Britains most eligible Spatula."

"Gone to mother. Your dinner's on television!"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Just trying to get in on that whole 'farm-to-table' thing..."

Commie Chef.

"No wonder they didn't like it. I forgot to sprinkle the antidepressant on it."

Assortment of stale pastry 'petit fours' with instant coffee sorbet."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

It turns out they don't go together so well,

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"