Satirical Culinary Critic Gifts

Price and serving size: A guide.

"The chef is going to need more than just your ‘compliments’ tonight … he’s in one of his moods."

"Yo, Cézanne, paint faster. I need those grapes for the Madeira sauce."

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

View to the Future

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Which wine list would you like, Sir - Classics or Plonk?'

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

"Is the MSG local?"

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

Too much cilantro

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Countervailing Clichés.

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"I'll have the egg-yellow omelette."

"No, my consomme was perfect, but my husbands calamari is a little underdone."

'We finished all the repairs in the cafeteria kitchen this morning, but the food still tastes lousy.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"We've both made mistakes, Doug, but I consider the appetizers to be a thing of the past."

"And exactly how is the peanut-butter-and-jelly prepared?"

"Nice try, Mom, but I'm going to go with a caterer."

"Oh joy. Looks like the turkey is almost done..."

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

'It's labour-saving because with this you'll be able to burn my meals much faster!'

Mrs. Robot attempts to improve her family's diet.

"Eggshell in omelette make Hulk angry!"

Happy hour.

"This alphabet soup is in Times New Roman. I ordered Segoe Script! May I please speak to the chef?"

"May I take your plate or are you still nibbling?"