Stand-up Lovers Gifts

National Sarcasm Awareness: 'Thanks! Like that's really going to help.'

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"Everyone at Megadrug is committed to the benefits of spoken therapies, which is why we developed 'nitrazone' to enhance the experience."

Life is for the birds.

"Maybe the next one will be a singles cruise."

"They're wearing cameras. How humiliating."

'Wow, the field really is a frozen tundra!'

'Santa recalled thousands of toys ― he delivered them to kids who're in fact naughty.'

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

Naturally, Bob thought the midwife was for him.

Lesser known greek gods,

U of Debt

Stand-up Romcom

"See..? We told you there was nothing there..."

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

"I know we just met, but all I got is a twenty-four-hour pass!"

Christmas in the Fish Bowl

'Congratulations! You've just downloaded a baby boy.'

Too much togetherness can lead to unexpected problems.

'Well,he certainly has his father's nose!'

'What's the big deal about acid rain? Can't we just make alkaline rain to counteract it?'

"Move ten paces, turn, then fire. Ready?" "Dibs on the hat."

"What's wrong with swallowing up other companies?"

Romeo & Juliet & Ron

So I guess the moral of Hansel and Gretel is always carry your cell phone!

Next gen pregnancy tests.

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'