Stand-up Fans Gifts

'What the heck is a USB Port?!' Suddenly it was Jeff Foxworthy who wasn't smarter than a fifth grader.

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Zombie standup

The Rooster Comedian.

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

Applause

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Senta jumps into the sea

At the primate speech center, Mokobo tries some stand-up comedy...

"....And what's the deal with fetch? You want the stick or don't you? Make up your mind already!"

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

Feline Stand Up - 'Fetching...how dumb is that? And another thing I don't understand...what's with all that TAIL WAGGING?'

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

"Am I sensing fear?"

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

"I stand corrected. Hard as you try, sometimes you just can't find the humor in a situation."

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

Canine Comedians

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

Jokes machine.

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

'You're thinking of your wife again, aren't you?'

'Peanuts, popcorn, steroids!'

No, they're not divorced --- She said that's her "ox-husband."

Stephen Fry

"Dad, has there EVER been a time when James Corden was funny..?"

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

"Let's try it again. Hand over your wallet, and this time, don't try anything funny."

Optometrist Humor

"Heelllllooooooo, Roswell!!"

Biographies. Don Rickles for Dummies