Standup Supporter Gifts

Applause

"Just be yourself."

Saxophone Player.

'Not even close man - easy listening's around the corner.'

'Don't bite. They're trolling again.'

'Tell your boss we represent an independent watchdog committee.'

"I just wish the Earth was as beautiful to live on as it is to look at... It's right behind me, isn't it?"

Ta Da!...

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

The Family Joules: Part 3

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

"Paper or plastic?"

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

"OK, well, if you do hear anything, be sure to give us a call."

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

"Well, we can kiss being free-range goodbye."

Jack in the Box Reading Joke Book.

'Your Majesty, the peasants are out of bread', 'Then let them eat low-carb stuff,'

'He's a cheat I tell you - it's just a trick!'

"Religion, politics, sex...in this part of the world every cartoonist is free to draw whatever he wants!"

Bob Monkhouse

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'

"Make it look like an accident"

The First Hecklers

"So, colony collapse disorder - how funny is it?"

'Actually, we don't like the term 'cannibal', we prefer to be called 'homovores'.'

"Any kids here tonight? Oh, wait... I guess not...since I didn't see any on the menu."

Woody Allen

Man asking what is a stall at the opera

"I'm sorry, sir, but a blade's a blade."

'His dad was a standup. He's a quip off the old block.'

'But seriously, folks... Who knows how many blondes it takes to screw in my latest invention?'

'Bearnaise sauce again,' he cried. 'I can't bear the thought of it!'