Comedian Supporter Gifts

"Economic news? Are you kidding me? I'll give you some economic news. I'm driving a '92 Kia with no muffler, supporting my boyfriend until his standup career takes off, and paying for 2 implants. Do you know the sign for 'desperate'?"

Applause

'Don't bite. They're trolling again.'

"I just wish the Earth was as beautiful to live on as it is to look at... It's right behind me, isn't it?"

'Tell your boss we represent an independent watchdog committee.'

'What'll it be?'

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

"OK, well, if you do hear anything, be sure to give us a call."

"Paper or plastic?"

"Well, we can kiss being free-range goodbye."

"Religion, politics, sex...in this part of the world every cartoonist is free to draw whatever he wants!"

"So, colony collapse disorder - how funny is it?"

'Your Majesty, the peasants are out of bread', 'Then let them eat low-carb stuff,'

"Make it look like an accident"

'Actually, we don't like the term 'cannibal', we prefer to be called 'homovores'.'

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

Man asking what is a stall at the opera

"I'm sorry, sir, but a blade's a blade."

Evolution in the Era of the Selfie

'The gypper was up to his genua in testoons.'

'You're free to go. Another suspect matching the description of having big ears and a trunk has just been arrested for the circus stampede.'

Future Medicare Prescription Drug Plans: 'When I grow up, help me enjoy my retirement years. But if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.'

'To hell with the rules.'

"True, I'm from pest control...but we don't eliminate internet trolls."

"The Holographic Heckler makes its first appearance."

'Well, here it is, but I don't see any pot.'

"See, it's right here in the pre-nup, Louise; if you walk out, I get two week severance sex."

Jeb Can Ficks It