Stand-up Supporter Gifts

Standup translator...

'He's definitely not a top flite.'

"Hey, man - a taser is not a heckle."

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Zombie standup

The Rooster Comedian.

Snowprov

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Applause

Saxophone Player.

"Hey, welcome to the Catskills. Anyone here from New Jersey?"

'Not even close man - easy listening's around the corner.'

At the primate speech center, Mokobo tries some stand-up comedy...

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"Am I sensing fear?"

'Um, can I get a FOURTH opinion?'

Feline Stand Up - 'Fetching...how dumb is that? And another thing I don't understand...what's with all that TAIL WAGGING?'

"Take my advice; speak softly but carry a big shtick."

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

Ta Da!...

"You've tested positive for being awesome. Just kidding - it was negative."

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

Comedian faces audience of clowns: 'Ooh, tough crowd.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

Stephen Fry

No, they're not divorced --- She said that's her "ox-husband."

"I'll now take some rambling, nonsensical statements from the audience."

'Peanuts, popcorn, steroids!'

"Let's try it again. Hand over your wallet, and this time, don't try anything funny."

"Heelllllooooooo, Roswell!!"

Optometrist Humor

'-not back with the same old corn are we?'

Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He's not going to win. He was the first to announce. No first-announcer has won since 1952. Besides, his name's too similar to Tom Cruise. And Tom Cruise is so not in right now. HOJ. We should have our own political show. If I an do it shirtless, I'm in.

'Prolonged sitting leads to death? What's up with that?'