Comedian Supporter Mugs

"Economic news? Are you kidding me? I'll give you some economic news. I'm driving a '92 Kia with no muffler, supporting my boyfriend until his standup career takes off, and paying for 2 implants. Do you know the sign for 'desperate'?"

Applause

'Don't bite. They're trolling again.'

'Tell your boss we represent an independent watchdog committee.'

"I just wish the Earth was as beautiful to live on as it is to look at... It's right behind me, isn't it?"

"Such a refreshing day...I've spent 18 hours between napping and comatose."

'What'll it be?'

'Would you say your glass is half empty or half full?' 'Whose round is it?'

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

The Family Joules: Part 3

"OK, well, if you do hear anything, be sure to give us a call."

You guys were right! Screaming profanities is more satisfying than howling these days.

"Paper or plastic?"

"Well, we can kiss being free-range goodbye."

"Make it look like an accident"

"Religion, politics, sex...in this part of the world every cartoonist is free to draw whatever he wants!"

"Well the good news is that everything was supposed to be bad for you is actually good, but the bad news is that everything that you thought was good for you is actually bad."

"So, colony collapse disorder - how funny is it?"

'Your Majesty, the peasants are out of bread', 'Then let them eat low-carb stuff,'

'Actually, we don't like the term 'cannibal', we prefer to be called 'homovores'.'

Man asking what is a stall at the opera

Evolution in the Era of the Selfie

Alan Davies.

Future Medicare Prescription Drug Plans: 'When I grow up, help me enjoy my retirement years. But if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.'

"I'm sorry, sir, but a blade's a blade."

"I've had enough of character building, Dad. Can I support a successful team now?"

If it's any consolation, you burned the bejeezus out of his finger.

How can you read that comic strip Blondie? Its about a kinder, simpler time. It's about ancient history. They do the same material over and over. Exactly. I can count on it. Not like your stupid Pearls and Get fuzzy. Oooh, look how angry and edgy they are. They're sooo clever! Your whole gig is being angry and edgy. Look, I'm setting Candorville on fire.

'The gypper was up to his genua in testoons.'

'You're free to go. Another suspect matching the description of having big ears and a trunk has just been arrested for the circus stampede.'

'To hell with the rules.'

"See, it's right here in the pre-nup, Louise; if you walk out, I get two week severance sex."

'I'm being released on Blu-ray.'

'Well, here it is, but I don't see any pot.'

"The Holographic Heckler makes its first appearance."