Standup Comedy Fan Gifts

Woody Allen

One woman show

The Department of Really Stupid Ideas: 'Most people think they just appear out of thin air! But the truth is, there's a great deal of very hard work involved!'

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

"You're losing the audience. Switch to the Powerpoint presentation."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Zombie standup

Unable to raise enough money for a trip to Paris, the Bartlesville High French Club had to settle for three days in Tulsa.

"His first out-of-body experience."

"Why do they do that?"

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"Let's just say I have a pre-existing condition."

"My emotional support dog ate my comfort food."

CSI: Mother Goose Unit...'Hmmm...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps mister Dumpty's demise wasn't simply a tragic accident.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Squirrel Chasing a Dog

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"When is my next parole hearing?"

Skiing.

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

"A retired superhero's re-purposed utility belt"

Dog Walking Services

Intelligent people laugh too!

Giraffe Umbrella

Help! I'm ROFL and ICGU!

'No doubt about it Captain. See these markings? This arrow belongs to Robin Hood!'

Bad fake tan day.

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Summer 2000: Children stumble upon the remains of Linda Tripp's old head.

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Shakespeare does stand-up comedy in the round.

"I told you playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey was a dumb idea."

"That's it lads, 364 days annual leave...what would we have done without our union!"

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."