Stand-up Comedy Fan Gifts

'Ever notice how, when you lose one sense, another sense seems to make up for it?'

"Let's try it again. Hand over your wallet, and this time, don't try anything funny."

'I'd like to thank you...at least I eat tonight.'

"Heelllllooooooo, Roswell!!"

Optometrist Humor

'You'll probably have to pay excess on that.'

"You never laugh at my jokes."

Standup Chemist: "....So he comes back into the room, he turns around, he puts the chicken on the table and he says 'All right, potassium chloride'."

"Boy, that performance stunk!"

"Oh wait...I forgot to say the guy had a wooden leg! Let me start the joke over."

'Miss, dogs have baby dogs, so why don't your planes have baby planes?'

Stand-up Chameleon.

"He's surprisingly sensitive about heckling."

Michelle Wolf

'She's beginning to look like Jackie Stallone but keep 'em going until she looks like Catherine Zeta Jones!'

"Seriously, folks, if you think I'm bad, wait till you see the next guy…"

Stand-Up Comedy for Bankers

"Thanks you've been a great audience, especially the guy in the third row with the great laugh."

'She's 24'-24'-24' but she has BIG blue eyes.'

'Nowadays, if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... It may be Bill Maher!'

'... so I said, 'Now try doing that with a bottle'. But seriously cokes.'

'I couldn't sleep last night. . . then I realized I forgot to turn around in a circle three times before I went to bed. . .'

'I couldn't afford a physical but the TSA guy at the airport seemed to think I was fine.'

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

Johnny Vegas

Spiderman at the Improv

Mitch performs in front of an oddience.

'Not another one with scruffy jeans and trainers!?'

'Take my wife, he said - so I did.'

'Barney Frank says he can help fix the economy....Everybody who believes in Barney Frank, clap your hands!'

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

Dara O Briain

'Any more hecklers out there? No? OK. Hey, what's the deal with prison food?'

'You suck!'

'I criticize Obama a lot, but actually I'd rate his performance as about average... for a Kenyan President.'