Stand-up Comedy Fan Gifts

'Ever notice how, when you lose one sense, another sense seems to make up for it?'

"Let's try it again. Hand over your wallet, and this time, don't try anything funny."

'I'd like to thank you...at least I eat tonight.'

Optometrist Humor

"Heelllllooooooo, Roswell!!"

'You'll probably have to pay excess on that.'

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

'Miss, dogs have baby dogs, so why don't your planes have baby planes?'

Stand-up Chameleon.

'She's beginning to look like Jackie Stallone but keep 'em going until she looks like Catherine Zeta Jones!'

Stand-Up Comedy for Bankers

'She's 24'-24'-24' but she has BIG blue eyes.'

'I couldn't sleep last night. . . then I realized I forgot to turn around in a circle three times before I went to bed. . .'

'I couldn't afford a physical but the TSA guy at the airport seemed to think I was fine.'

Mitch performs in front of an oddience.

'Not another one with scruffy jeans and trainers!?'

'Take my wife, he said - so I did.'

'Barney Frank says he can help fix the economy....Everybody who believes in Barney Frank, clap your hands!'

'The inaugural address? It's sort of like an opening monologue.'

'Any more hecklers out there? No? OK. Hey, what's the deal with prison food?'

'You suck!'

'I criticize Obama a lot, but actually I'd rate his performance as about average... for a Kenyan President.'

"I...er...um...uh...i...i...ah...er...I improvise."

"Thanks you've been a great audience, especially the guy in the third row with the great laugh."

Dracula at Open Mic Night

"Hold it! My writers! Why aren't my writers up here with me?"

"Boy, that performance stunk!"

"He's surprisingly sensitive about heckling."

"Oh wait...I forgot to say the guy had a wooden leg! Let me start the joke over."

"You never laugh at my jokes."

Standup Chemist: "....So he comes back into the room, he turns around, he puts the chicken on the table and he says 'All right, potassium chloride'."

Feline Stand Up - 'Fetching...how dumb is that? And another thing I don't understand...what's with all that TAIL WAGGING?'

At the primate speech center, Mokobo tries some stand-up comedy...

"Come on guys, my jokes aren't that bad!"

'Everybody says that Congressman Weiner is a real putz.... That's true on SO many levels!'