Stand-up About Marriage Gifts

'Actually, Steve, I liked you better BEFORE you learned to express your true inner feelings.'

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"Do you think someday we'll look back on this and laugh?"

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

The finer points of marriage.

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'Honestly, Harry. It's getting so I can't tell your scratching from the cat's.'

"Hello darling! - I'm back from the black hole!!"

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

'You're three o'clock cancelled, the Parson deal is ending, and your husband wants to know if the dishes are dirty or clean.'

We need to keep him a few days, but we can loan you a courtesy husband until he's ready to go home.

Sorry, I'm already spoken for.

"This next tune is dedicated to my wife, who is currently away on a cruise. I call it, 'The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea'."

'The marriage counseling session didn't help -- she still claims she never saw me before in her life.'

'Congratulations, you're now man and wife. You may club the bride. '

"You call that worrying?"

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Oh, my husband is a great provider: his hunting success rate is close to 30%..."

"When I said 'I'm leaving' this morning I meant for the office"

'I've changed my mind Donald. I don't want to put a little spice back into our marriage anymore.'

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."