Stage Jesters Gifts

Dried Herbs

"I hate performance review season."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

'The good teen-age mime chooses to study for an exam, while the bad one chooses to steal hubcaps.'

COWS: Cow Pong

"I knew we agreed that you could be a stay-at-home dad, but that's when we decide to have children."

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

Medieval headlines.

'Everybody from Liverpool's a comedian.'

"And that, gentlemen, is the Friday 4.55 pm Bad News Email Dump."

"Twenty five years! But your honor,

"Oh well, what does a jester know?"

'I take it his performance review went well.'

'Yes, it's a foul. But is it a flagrant foul?'

"Intern? Oh, no. He wandered in from our day care center."

I hate these he shed, she shed cases.

The afternoons are okay, it's at night that I can't sleep.

'Your Honor, permission to abandon the strict, upstanding, fiduciary responsibilities of my profession for a chance at fleeting personal, carnal gratification?'

Jeff hated performance reviews.

"Unfortunately your Twitter has been hacked. Fortunately it has been hacked by someone much cooler and funnier than you."

'Why can't I park it here? I'm just getting my moneys worth.'

'When did YOU switch to a talk format?'

Hi. I'm Jonathan. I'll be your judge this afternoon. Legal Menu.

Prosecutor's Office. The judge threw out the confession --- He said it was coerced. You violated the duress code!

Now a procedure! Someone suggest a procedure! Surgery at the Improv.

'I'm sorry, this is the line for people who volunteered to help their community. You're looking for the eternal damnation department.'

"Sir, Sparky is here for his 3:00 pm throw."

"How come all your alcohol is behind a paywall?"

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'

"Hold on, I have an announcement. Facebook password Missywillow 555, please move your car or it will be towed."

'Isn't that kind of thing generally frowned upon in the real mob.'

'It certainly is a big one!'

'I ran with them once.'

'Granted, Your Honor, he may look like a criminal.'

'He must be the real Santa... He was the only sober guy at the Xmas party!'