Stadium Security Gifts

A question you can't ask at a football game - 'Has anyone lost their keys?'

'Now, let's just say the fan in Row C, Seat 4, is on your case. You just punch the coordinates into the computer...'

UK border controls relaxed.

Radar Gun Readings at Baseball Stadium

The Epsom Derby - The Finishing Line

Airport Security. Just pass the wand over them, Ernie. Keep your "abracadabras" to yourself.

'They're being damn noisy in the hospitality box next door,'

'...You push the wrong button, and now, instead of our fans enjoying a fireworks display, we've got an international incident on our hands.'

Birds doing the 'wave'.

Goalkeeper makes the wrong save.

Please Do Not Throw Cups of Beer At The Players... It's A Waste of Beer.'

"O.K., you're good. Next!"

"I need a vacation. Everything is starting to smell like a bomb to me."

And the crowd goes wild—except for Mary, because she wasn't paying attention.

Why do they prefer a pitcher to a belly itcher? Everyone loves a belly itcher!

'Since our stadium was built with taxpayer support, I regret to inform you that all incentive and signing bonuses must be returned.'

'I'm sorry sir, but that slide rule exceeds the allowable length for a sharp object, unless, of course, you can manage to fold it.'

'Due to budget cuts, all agents will now be equipped with x-ray glasses.'

'Welcome to America'

'You're right, good joke, bad timing...'

Airport traffic

With the Inflatable Pocket Potty, you'll never have to wait in line again at the stadium.

Soccer Fans.

Hawaiian Airways: No Ukulele playing beyond this point.

'I wonder who they'll bring on as manager for the second half.'

'Oh great, who do you think's gonna have to clean that up.'

"And did you pack this bag yourself, sir?"

"Just barking will do."

"I always thought you blokes were supposed to be impartial."

'Ssssssh! There it is again. Hear that? It sounds like a muffled scream.'

"The sniffer dog had found cocaine again."

Not expected to pass through Customs...

'If you lose my briefs you can answer to the Judge!'

Alfredo the knife thrower's first air trip.

Sports area vendors.