Sports Maverick Gifts

'He's not a doctor or an athletic trainer. He's not even a coach!'

"I'm pretty sure that's illegal."

"Just one more thump. . . just one more thump."

Guitar Man.

"I actually saw ten gay characters on television this week—which almost balanced out the 2,174 straight characters I saw."

"We need to sue, claiming free speech is being violated by remotes with fast forward buttons."

Popera!

'Have you any W fronts?'

'No Mis Evans. You know only substitute teachers are allowed to carry taser guns!'

'And I say he makes us look bad when he rides around listening to those books.'

"Looks like he's coming around to our way of thinking."

"We supply the exercise and nutrition program, but it's up to you to supply the narcissism."

'It has undergone a thorough research programme. I've shown it to my wife and her sister.'

'No you idiot! You're supposed to smash your guitar AFTER the show! What are you going to play now?'

'He's determined to not pay for The Times online.'

If I survive this, I'm reinventing myself as a television pundit.

Hacksaw Violin.

Santa Metal Claus

"They say it's the first sign of aging - not being able to keep up with new technology."

Hip-Hopalong Billy Bob blamed the censors for killing the country-rap scene.

"Mmm... now WHERE did i leave my radio..?"

Proposed Changes To The Laws Of Gravity

'You CAN Pass The Turing Test!'

'Well excuse me Mr. watch me pound on a hollow log!! I just thought our sound could use a change!!'

Back to Work

You know that symphony I wrote in GarageBand? It drops next week. You're invited. Symphonies don't "drop," little buddy. Rock albums "drop." R&B "drops." Symphonies "debut." And they usually debut in concert halls, with live musicians. Where's your symphony debuting? Anybody-can-upload-anything-for-people-to-download.com. I wonder if I can get my tux pressed in time.

'I know.. Let's write a song all about the evils of material wealth. After all, that last one netted us a bloody fortune!'

"No, Billy, I don't play the horn anymore. I just like to take it out every once and again so's to give an old friend a great big tallywhack on the head!"

Acme Instant Muscle Ade Machine

"This isn't going to work - I'm rock n'roll and you're waltz time!"

"He's taking the circulation war a bit too seriously."

Beethoven's 10th

'Dave dropped out. He had chest pains and trouble breathing. They think he may have competitive heart failure.'

'I got the habit while fitting in with the old boys club.'

"If you are amenable to that offer, I am prepared to respond with this facial expression."