Sports Fan With A Sense Of Irony Gifts

'It never fails... The race gets into the final stretch and the two leaders go negative.'

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

Alternative fielding positions

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

'Almost anyone can learn to play golf, and you're the 'almost'.'

I like what I'm seein' out there. This could be our year Wikowski.

Playing pig

'Wait! Let's see if he gets up on his own.'

"They'll be expecting adagio. Go with the allegro."

"I got a red card for not having enough fun!!"

'Anyone else want to get up and leave before the game is over?'

'...And if that doesn't work, grab your rifle and start blasting away.'

'The manager takes the pitcher out of the game'

"It's all show-as soon as Marks gone he switches off the football and reads Proust..."

"If PBS announcers did football games." "Let's listen carefully to the quarterback as he scans his options. It appears that the defense seems to want to deter his team from moving the ball forward..." "The fans are making so much noise. I wonder if they know how hard that makes it for the players to concentrate?"

Thanksgiving Game Highlights

'...Do the Hokey-Pokey and turn yourselves around...'

'It's not your fault, Dewey. Whenever a call doesn't go his way, he goes ballistic.'

'Youth Baseball Clinic: How To Develop A Deep-Rooted Hatred Of The Media.'

Competitors complained that Sir Hops-A-Lot's souther steed gave him an unfair advantage."

'To protect their investments, many baseball owners are hiring bodyguards for their players.'

Why are you dressed like a British lawyer? The term is barrister, but it doesn't surprise me you don't know that. In fact, it helps me make the case I'm here to prove today: That you're a meathead because you suffered concussions playing football. That's ridiculous. Hold on! Let your counsel represent you. I want to be fair. Counsel? Never mind. He seems to have no comment.

The Washington Arbitrators

'What do we think? We think it's foolish to skip obedience school and go straight to the NBS...'

Wake us up when the Olympics are over...

"I'm against pain killers for players, but I'm for them for supporters."

'You're SURE that you've played water polo before?'

"Come on now. One of you guys know how to be a SETTER."

"Please stand and join us in half-assing your way through our national anthem."

'... and I almost want to thank my pharmacist.'

"In this situation, I'd suggest a 5-word sentence with an action verb but hold the exclamation mark."

Burkini Scandal

"We must prepare for the threat of China laying claim to Raducanu."

'Good morning, class. I am Mr. Penny and will be your coach today. I expect you to behave - no running and jumping!'