Ironical Sports Fan Gifts

"Please stand and join us in half-assing your way through our national anthem."

Indoor Climbing Centre for Cats.

"Break his third chakra!" "Knock the dharma out of him!"

'Dogs are so silly: Just throw a ball or a stick and they'll chase it and bring it back!'

"I always forget what an expert I am in curling."

Alternative fielding positions

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'Almost anyone can learn to play golf, and you're the 'almost'.'

'Here we go again...'

'Anyone else want to get up and leave before the game is over?'

'Don't get up. ... I've got it!'

'...And if that doesn't work, grab your rifle and start blasting away.'

Captain Ahab and Moby Dick in Retirement

"It's all show-as soon as Marks gone he switches off the football and reads Proust..."

"Cricket...six minutes of excitement crammed into six hours!"

'It's not your fault, Dewey. Whenever a call doesn't go his way, he goes ballistic.'

"Oh, come on ref. How can you not see that?!"

'The Ref gave out 4 yellow cards, 2 reds and 7 Valentine cards.'

'Will you lean on the other post for awhile, please?.'

Competitors complained that Sir Hops-A-Lot's souther steed gave him an unfair advantage."

"I'm against pain killers for players, but I'm for them for supporters."

'Youth Baseball Clinic: How To Develop A Deep-Rooted Hatred Of The Media.'

Why are you dressed like a British lawyer? The term is barrister, but it doesn't surprise me you don't know that. In fact, it helps me make the case I'm here to prove today: That you're a meathead because you suffered concussions playing football. That's ridiculous. Hold on! Let your counsel represent you. I want to be fair. Counsel? Never mind. He seems to have no comment.

'You're SURE that you've played water polo before?'

Modern Football

False starts.

Egads. I've forgotten what the rule is about a runner throwing a leg to base ahead of himself.

'Good morning, class. I am Mr. Penny and will be your coach today. I expect you to behave - no running and jumping!'

Do you really have to do that every time you make a good call? 76. If refs acted like players.

"In this situation, I'd suggest a 5-word sentence with an action verb but hold the exclamation mark."

"That was one strange and confusing competition."

'Their offense is shifty and often ruthless. I want you to study the videotapes - especially this one showing their quarterback robbing a convenience store at gunpoint.'

FIFA scandal

"Your fastball is just hanging and your curve isn't breaking at all. What you should do is take an analgesic with some pain-relieving anti-inflammatory ingredients for a few days."

'Good Now stuff that round thing in the hoop,,,, That's basketball,'