Spooky Scriptwriter Gifts

Screamers horror films, "crypt writer"

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Woodpecker carving pumpkins

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

Mensa Does Improv

A pretention of playwrights

'Hey, what am I, chopped liver?'

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

"Its been on the market for over two years. The estate agent reckons it's something to do with negative edibility!"

Tim Burton

Hollywood producer.

'Personally, I love your script, but Rex is pretty certain he smells a bomb!'

Hollywood producer.

'It's a little varietal I bottle myself...Type A positive.'

"It's the great pumpkin's psychotic uncle Mitch, Charlie Brown."

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

'I hate waking up with coffin hair.'

Frankenstein's Ancestry

'And then as the young rat turned around, he realized he was in the junior high, block one dissection class!'

"I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's undead."