Spooky Satirist Gifts

"They said we need a photo ID to prove we're from the neighborhood."

'Dracula watches his first late night horror show.'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Priest's 'To do' list.

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Intelligent design...well, duh!"

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"International best seller! It's just a squirrel."

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

'Because the horned one commands them to, that's how!'

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

"I didn't invent the wheel. I invented the pizza."

Free ticket to heaven... details inside

The little engine that delegated

"I don't want any old ones, I want my own back..."

'Even More Disciples'

The Ten Really Cool Facts

"I'll take new members any way I can get them."

'Secondhand smoke.'

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

"He wants us to start calling him 'Head Honcho'."

"This 'laying up treasures in heaven' thing - Is it some kind of tax dodge or what?"

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

"Whew! What a day! I just get out of bed and all Hell breaks loose."

William Makepeace Thackeray.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"Many of us are worrying, Brother Daniel, that you've become too clothes conscious."

'How long do we have to get in compliance?'

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

"Send for a Prftgxrgplwtkn interpreter - case adjourned for a thousand light years."