Spicy Satirist Gifts

"Riddle your salad with pepper, sir?"

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"Oh, look- French! Let's try it."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Volcano Sacrifice Competition

"I'd like to have a word with you about this spirit animal."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

Litter Tray Stonehenge

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Alabama Traffic Jam

Smokers smoking on the moon, Astronauts smoking on the moon

'Secondhand smoke.'

'You said I should check back with you if I didn't get any better. . .'

Macho Vegetarian

Latest Aye Phone

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

Matador Artificial Insemination.

'our chances seemed pretty good until you lighted that 20.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

"I'm afraid the umbrella constitutes an enclosed space and must be taken down."

"You idiot! It's all bare walls and Ikea these days."

'People soup again?'

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

Queen's final visit to Australia: 'STrewth! Chack anatha prawn on the barbie Phil..'. Charles 'Apparently, the Aussies insisted on a few conditions..'

"Gimme a double burger between two burgers. And hold the lettuce; it only dilutes the experience."

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

"I only allow myself one after a meal - I'm now down to 43 meals a day!"

'Why can't you just chew bones like other dogs?' (dog smoking pipe).

Stay at home

"That's why you don't smoke near the dang cannon!"