Spooky Scriptwriter Pillows

Screamers horror films, "crypt writer"

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

1599: Shakespeare's Agent knew what the public wanted

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

Woodpecker carving pumpkins

'Here's something that should suit your wooden acting style. How do you fancy playing the lead in Pinocchio?'

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"I'm glad they want comedy... the budget is a joke."

'Hey, what am I, chopped liver?'

'When you said this movie's about a fish out of water, I was expecting more of a light-hearted comedy.'

A pretention of playwrights

'Doesn't txt msg make it 38 languages and not 37?'

Mensa Does Improv

Tim Burton

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

'How's this new concept? Instead of a gunfight, the hero overpowers the villian with a heartfelt homily on the sanctity of family values.'

"Its been on the market for over two years. The estate agent reckons it's something to do with negative edibility!"

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

Remember . . . If at first you do succeed, make sequels!'

'Hang on a minute...'

"It's the great pumpkin's psychotic uncle Mitch, Charlie Brown."

"Dad, why do they tell actors to "break a leg?""

"I don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's undead."

'It's a little varietal I bottle myself...Type A positive.'

Frankenstein's Ancestry

'I hate waking up with coffin hair.'

Mega Cosmic Films. It's about a squad of ninja nuns? Yes, we call it "Force of Habit"!

Hollywood producer.

'And then as the young rat turned around, he realized he was in the junior high, block one dissection class!'

'You say it's a dramedy? We thought it was more of a coma.'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."