Spiritual Moneymaker Gifts

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'My ambition used to drive the economy. Now it drives my Mercedes.'

"I see you're an ex televangelist who would like to stay in sales."

'But I do have fun. I have lots lots of fun. I have lots of fun making money.'

"I'm trying to achieve total harmony of body, mind, and cash-flow."

'Now all this stuff will finally begin to pay for itself - here's the formula for transmuting lead into gold.'

'But I do have fun, I have lots of fun. I have lots of fun making lots of money.'

'I had a great year and I wasn't even trying.'

'You're my economic advisor. What'll I do?'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'Ka-Ching'?"

'Before we found you, we were just squeaking by.'

Money Tree

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

"Malachite promotes inner peace, hope and security, but I can’t say for certain it will help you put up with your boss."

"Before we discuss your loan, Mr Carlson, perhaps you'd like to spend a few moments with out bank chaplain."

Student about Biz Quick class: 'It's bite-size information in a 15 minute class that teaches you how to roll in the dough.'

"You can take it with you down here - but no social conscience funds."

'What's the difference between exchange-traded derivatives and swaps?'

'Now what's all this about a money making scheme?'

"I cased the joint, and it turns out they'll just give you money if you work thirty-five hours a week as a teller."

Buddha Statue: Buy Low, Sell High, Stay Diversified.

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all money had been in risk-free bonds."

I'm going to say my prayers. Should I play the same lotto numbers?

"For the profits of which we are about to partake, we give thanks. Amen."

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'the Dow is up'?"

"Do you want to add something about not trying to time the market?"

'Once you do transmute lead into gold, you'll find the market for it is very speculative.'

Buy Low and Sell High Gurus

'I used to hate spam until I figured out how to make $78,000,000 sending it.'

"Be mindful of the pennies and the pounds will be mindful of themselves."

'I'm thinking of starting a religion. What would be a reasonable initial investment?'

'I'm glad you were able to persuade your husband to attend, Mrs. Lowe.'

"Make the world a better place. If not that, then make lots of money so we can stay above it all."

"Money doesn't make me happy, but I've learned never to be a quitter."