Spiritual Financier Gifts

Pound sign in a stained glass window of a church.

"Before we discuss your loan, Mr Carlson, perhaps you'd like to spend a few moments with out bank chaplain."

'I'd like to achieve a higher level of consciousness when it comes to picking winning stocks.'

"God spoke to me in a dream and it really changed my life. He told me to diversify my portfolio."

Excess Baggage: Sooner or later all those vacation bills come due.

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

'You're my economic advisor. What'll I do?'

"Because of the economic situation they've relaxed the rules."

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

'I'd like to think they contribute because it's the right thing to do, but I'm not above a short sermon on tax deductibility.'

'What's the difference between exchange-traded derivatives and swaps?'

'Do you ever wonder about this whole 'money' thing?'

"Fiscal conservatism be damned. I'm a fiscal hedonist."

His investment advisor gave him a new mantra.

'Could I get back to you on that one? My broker says my stock went back up!'

'Children are all right, Carson, except they're so damned unprofitable.'

Buddha Statue: Buy Low, Sell High, Stay Diversified.

"Yeah, you're the CFO of a global multinational, but to me you'll always be the First National Bank of Dad."

'I received your cheque twice, once from you and once from the bank.'

'A wonderful sermon, father; I liked the part about a time to sew and a time to reap. When would you say I should cover the naked December calls I sold last month?'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'the Dow is up'?"

"Do you want to add something about not trying to time the market?"

"Oh no - another mouth to feed!"

"Don't take that tone with me! I was simply asking where you plan on spending all this money!"

Bank of Mum and Dad.

'We put the little old lady of Threadneedle Street into a care home.'

'In life I was scorned for worshipping the Almighty Dollar.'

'I'm here to test the magic 8-ball.'

The Stock Market Giveth. . . The Stock Market Taketh Away.

'I'll be seeing you again right after our Quarterly Earnings Report.'

'Hey, it's Heaven, why wouldn't we cash in on that?'

'It's not quite as bad as it looks - they're only witholding payment until we publish our expenses.'

Sunday sermon: 'Dearly beloved, restore our faith in the almighty dollar.'