Spiritual Financier Gifts

Pound sign in a stained glass window of a church.

"Before we discuss your loan, Mr Carlson, perhaps you'd like to spend a few moments with out bank chaplain."

'I'd like to achieve a higher level of consciousness when it comes to picking winning stocks.'

"God spoke to me in a dream and it really changed my life. He told me to diversify my portfolio."

Excess Baggage: Sooner or later all those vacation bills come due.

"I was a stockbroker first, but when I realized how much time I spent praying, I figured, what the heck?"

'You're my economic advisor. What'll I do?'

"And the Lord said, 'You know, it takes a ton of money to run a place like this.'"

"Because of the economic situation they've relaxed the rules."

'Come back in two months the meaning of life can change, depending if the market is bullish or bearish.'

'I bet he gets a better rate of interest than me!'

'I'd like to think they contribute because it's the right thing to do, but I'm not above a short sermon on tax deductibility.'

'What's the difference between exchange-traded derivatives and swaps?'

'Do you ever wonder about this whole 'money' thing?'

"Fiscal conservatism be damned. I'm a fiscal hedonist."

His investment advisor gave him a new mantra.

'Could I get back to you on that one? My broker says my stock went back up!'

Buddha Statue: Buy Low, Sell High, Stay Diversified.

"Yeah, you're the CFO of a global multinational, but to me you'll always be the First National Bank of Dad."

'Children are all right, Carson, except they're so damned unprofitable.'

'I received your cheque twice, once from you and once from the bank.'

'A wonderful sermon, father; I liked the part about a time to sew and a time to reap. When would you say I should cover the naked December calls I sold last month?'

"To mediate properly, you need a mantra. How about 'the Dow is up'?"

Our nest egg hatched into a new ski boat.

"Don't take that tone with me! I was simply asking where you plan on spending all this money!"

"Oh no - another mouth to feed!"

Bank of Mum and Dad.

'In life I was scorned for worshipping the Almighty Dollar.'

"Do you want to add something about not trying to time the market?"

'We put the little old lady of Threadneedle Street into a care home.'

'I'm here to test the magic 8-ball.'

"Be mindful of the pennies and the pounds will be mindful of themselves."

The Stock Market Giveth. . . The Stock Market Taketh Away.

'I'll be seeing you again right after our Quarterly Earnings Report.'

'It's not quite as bad as it looks - they're only witholding payment until we publish our expenses.'