Spiritual Leader Gifts

'The secret of life has been unknowable ever since we assigned it to a committee.'

'One day, son, all this will be yours.'

'To become ONE with the Universe, you must first become COMPLIANT with the Universe!'

Church leader at desk has 3 boxes marked 'Black', 'White' and 'Gray Area'.

'You must realize that desire is the cause of almost all unhappiness - but, just out of curiosity, where could I get a suit like that?'

"I have reached the higher plane of consciousness and enlightenment."

"I'll be answering that question and many more in next week's webinar."

'The wisdom of life is to grow older in a warm climate.'

'Of course the meaning of life has practical applications!'

"Son, it's time you learned the benefits of sitting around doing nothing."

'A sure-win radio talk show. People phone in with questions on existence and reality, and you respond with total silence.'

'How do you think I ended up alone on the top of a mountain?'

"Sorry, I don't know what a handball is anymore either."

'Enlightenment-shmenlightenment - what I'm worried about is tenure!'

'Really? -- the hokey-pokey IS what it's all about?'

'You can have inner peace or you can have chili with beans, but you can't have both.'

"Tell me the truth—have I ever made tea come out of your nose?"

Guru sells mountaintop franchises.

"Resisting temptation here at the monastery is too easy - let's go to Las Vegas for a real challenge!"

'We've got truth, we've got enlightenment, and we've got serenity - what we NEED is media coverage.'

'Serenity, calmness, peace, nirvana, enlightenment....I just can't take the pressure any more!'

Pastoring for Dummies

'You can have inner peace or you can have chili with beans, but you can't have both.'

'One day, there will be world peace...in the meantime, you may want to step away from the fan.'

"Dear Bad-Karma, to assist you at this busy time, I've drawn up a list of people you may have missed."

'The truth is inside of you.'

'Birthdays are like life...the more you have, the more illuminated you become.'

Guru, Inc: VP Parables, VP Allegories, VP Enigmas, VP Riddles.

'I don't have the heart to tell him that electric typewriters aren't REALLY the latest thing.'

Are you questioning the meaning of existence at this point in the race? I'll explain.

'Thank you for calling the guru. If you want the meaning of life, press one. If you want the significance of the Universe, press two. If you want....'

'We use dialup since it gives us more time to meditate.'

'Some people are calling you a false prophet.'

Mr. Schimpf Learns the Secret of Life

"I used to be a young crazy rebel like you you know."