Spider Sympathizer Gifts

'I warned Harry that he'd have a bad hair day if he got near that leaf blower.'

"I keep climbing this water spout. The rain washes me out. Then out comes the sun and dries up the rain. So what do I do? I climb right back up again. Talk about a rut."

Unwelcome guests can be caught and thrown out...there is no need to kill them.

"Lighten up, pal, it's only a spider!"

"Well, you're not itsy-bitsy to me."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Oh, it's only you."

"Woooooo... big strong man afraid of a little spider?"

"I'm here to save you...for later!"

I told you not to text and spin, Simone.

'Stay calm... It's probably more frightened of you than you are of it.'

"...and how long have you had this feeling that women hate you?"

"Apparently they come into houses to find a mate."

Cartoon showing a man wrapped in a web, stuck to a wall. His wife is saying: "What have I told you about antagonising the house spider?"

"How can you say that spiders aren't dangerous? My Kenneth once saw one and had a heart attack!"

Yeah, it's funny, but you'll see, in this house, it's the guy who screams the loudest...

"I'm the bad guy..."

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"Sorry, Pal. Sometimes nature's not very pretty."

"Wait, you never wash your cape?"

'Looks like the soup comes with flies.'

I've been feeling sluggish lately.

Spider Press-Ups

"The government doesn't understand me."

"Now, cover your second, fourth and seventh eyes and read the next line."

'Geoffrey's Tourette's is acting up.'

'In just six hours you will be simultaneously cured of your fear of snakes, heights, small spaces and commitment.'

You heard right - one large cheese pizza, and tell the driver to take it out of the box and leave it in the yard,

"I'm not saying you have to give them up entirely, but you need to eat your young in moderation."

'Man, when was the last time you had your eyes tested?'

Spider Exhibit. It says spiders can have hundreds of children at the same time. No wonder they climb the walls! (Published originally on July 23, 2002.)

"Nooo. Not my legs."

The Downside Of Being Superman, The Man Of Steel

Dizzy Spider

'Furthermore, Your Honor, Miss Muffet's testimony ignored a much larger civil rights issue: the defendant's right to come along and sit down beside her in a clearly marked public space!'

"I'm a little concerned about Frank."