Social Skeptic Gifts

"We really must be going. Phillip has an uncanny sense of when to leave a party."

"We're trying to come up with a less offensive term for 'political correctness.'"

IQ Test: If it's on Facebook it must be true

They may be her friends, but they have the veracity of spies.

"Having received your offer of friendship, and after due consideration and given the fact that I don't know you from a bar of soap, I must inform you that I will be declining your request."

"Sorry, I don't do small talk."

"I heard dad say that he gives his thanks at the end when everybody finally goes home. . ."

"Can you recommend a wine that would serve as a good conversation inhibitor?"

'Seriously, in this day and age, how can people still believe in this nonsense that we have evolved from microbes...?'

"If there were really a God, trees would come with outlets and wifi hubs."

'In a nutshell, foods are drugged and drugs are eaten like food.'

Non-Creative Writing, Also Known as Plagiarism 101.

"Of course it's alien abductions! How else would you explain the, 'November Phenomenon'?"

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

"God works in mysterious ways."

The Mainstream

Politicians are from Uranus.

Alternative Medicine

'Your 'marriage' invention sounds good, but what if it leads to a concentration of power for the central government?'

'A 'D' in physics and biology, an 'A' in reading aloud. What will ever become of this kid?'

All-Purpose Obamatoon

"Sure, it's Good News, but is it fake news?"

"If we evolved from stupid people, why are there stupid people still around?"

'Einstein's theory of negativity'

"Dont believe anything those guys have told you. None of it. It's all B.S."

''Faith can move mountains'? -- That's actually a little disturbing.'

'You know things are screwed up when people take late-night comedians seriously and politicians as a joke.'

Utopia - a necessarily restrictive and conformist social structure.

First clue that the latest medical breakthrough isn't quite there yet - 'Don't worry, I had the same thing...'

In a career limiting move, Reginald decided to give Albert's latest theory some frank and fearless feedback.

'I hope there's something better on the 'other side'!..'

Two plus two equals five. I don't think so. The earth is flat, or maybe it's shaped like a fish. Huh? Many Republican candidates don't believe in evolution!!! Math, science -- who needs 'em really. That's what I said in high school.

"If they de-regulate this place, we wouldn't have to do all those boring scientific tests."

'Why does everybody tell lies about me?'

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...