Sneaky Scone Snacker Gifts

Secretive Weigh In.

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

Super Heroes.

"Yeah, my life flashed before my eyes!...OK, it was food - all the food I've ever eaten flashed before my eyes."

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"I was going to share my cookies with teddy, but he's on a diet....so I had to eat them all."

"Works every time."

"To lose weight they said I've just had to give up two things. . .food and drink!"

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

"Don't make me resort to alternative questioning techniques."

"Quit chasing carbs, try a protein bar."

"You're the sport on my telly"

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

"We've already had 35 people sign up for our new latte, scone and debt-consolidation loan combo. Where are you going to get all this money to loan people? Are you wearing a wire? Are you sure this is on the level? Smash your cellphone and I'll answer you."

"So which one of you pesky dogs stole the last cookie from the bottom of the jar?"

How much for a blueberry scone? $3.25. I'll give you $1.20. Huh? $1.40. $1.45. It's not negotiable. Shrewd. $1.65. $2.00. $2.10. $2.25, but I want free shipping! Ebay addicts. $3 for your sandwich. $6.

What can I get you? A lemonade, and a scone for my avatar. No way. You have an avatar? Sure. Who doesn't? It's the hip thing. But that's just a movie concept. You're living in an imaginary kid world, right? If you say so. Okay, so one lemonade and one pretend scone. Real scone. For my real avatar. Don't let it get to you. How come I don't have an avatar?!?! You're cruel, lady. Give me my $5. Best money I ever spent.

Chocolate never tasted as good as when I sneak a piece while dieting.

Cookie Thief

"I'm worried you're not getting enough fruit and vegetables."

"There are scones in the oven too, in case you're peckish."

'There you are - you know you're not supposed to be eating that!'

Analysts have said the US and Russia are closer to nuclear war than ever. The outcome of the election tomorrow will probably determine whether we live in mediocrity … or whether we suffer a nuclear apocalypse in which a crafty café owner, who's squirreled away scones and ammunition in a vast network of underground bunkers, could rise to become feudal warlord of a brand new world. So ... who are you voting for again? The person I've been preparing ever since 2nd grade to vote for.

Fresh hamsters on a stick.

We've already had 35 people sign up for our new latte, scone and debt-consolidation loan combo. Where are you going to get all this money to loan people? Are you wearing a wire? Are you sure this is on the level? Smash your cellphone and I'll answer you.

'Guys! Check this out - Reindeer Chow in the satellite dish!'

Vampire eating a 'Clot Noodle'.

'My wife has me on a very strict diet so I need a safe place to store my binge foods.'

"Actually, I'm not hungry anymore. While I was waiting for my scone, I had one of your delicious sconces instead!"

'What's that?' - 'If they rise they're scones, if they not they're pancakes.'

Don't lie to me

The individual cheese slice. Oddly, not the first choice for the truly individual.

'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'

World's best carrot cakes.