Scone Enthusiast Gifts

I'm worried about Mortkey. What's up? He's been on a kick reading all these anti-religion books. Mortkey says there's no rational basis for faith and it's made him a little preachy. Oh dear. Why don't you just pray to a scone?! Chocolate chip or raisin?

So one scone is missing. Doesn't mean it's stolen. Of course it does. Let's consider the facts: Man is a filthy, greedy, amoral animal. He'll cheat, steal and lie just for a few pennies. That's not a fact. I'm shocked I wasn't murdered.

What's your preference for seating: The faith-based or non-faith-based section? Faith-based. Non-faith-based. Menu. A heck of thing to learn over lattes. Heathen! You may not taste my scone!

I'd like a scone, a latte and an explanation of my cellphone bill. Pardon? Also, can You change my voicemail password? You understand I'm not technical support. Please, they won't answer the phone! Tempted to say: For a latte, press 1.

"I'm worried you're not getting enough fruit and vegetables."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

"All natural snow cones for sale."

"I feel like that I've been given a unique oppurtunity to speak out on issues."

"The rolling wheels...the ringing bells...signal the deliciousness of summer."

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

Secretive Weigh In.

Dog Walker

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

You know, the snowballs we get in the summer are better. They're flavored!

Shaved Ice

'Looks like Shelia has overdone it with the cream scones this week!'

"Communion at the contemporary service is scones and coffee."

'If they rise they're scones. If not they're pancakes.'

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

'Have you heard the news about Susan in logistics?...'

"We've already had 35 people sign up for our new latte, scone and debt-consolidation loan combo. Where are you going to get all this money to loan people? Are you wearing a wire? Are you sure this is on the level? Smash your cellphone and I'll answer you."

What can I get you? A lemonade, and a scone for my avatar. No way. You have an avatar? Sure. Who doesn't? It's the hip thing. But that's just a movie concept. You're living in an imaginary kid world, right? If you say so. Okay, so one lemonade and one pretend scone. Real scone. For my real avatar. Don't let it get to you. How come I don't have an avatar?!?! You're cruel, lady. Give me my $5. Best money I ever spent.

How much for a blueberry scone? $3.25. I'll give you $1.20. Huh? $1.40. $1.45. It's not negotiable. Shrewd. $1.65. $2.00. $2.10. $2.25, but I want free shipping! Ebay addicts. $3 for your sandwich. $6.

Bakery: Xmas Logs.

"Baldo, the summer is almost gone and you still haven't found a job!"

Everyone blames spring for Frosty's disappearance, but Micky 'The sno-cone dude' Peretti sure seems to know more than he's letting on.

"There are scones in the oven too, in case you're peckish."

"Must've been a candy apple. I can't believe Adam and Eve would do us in for plain fruit."

"She always said she'd only share this recipe over her dead body."

Analysts have said the US and Russia are closer to nuclear war than ever. The outcome of the election tomorrow will probably determine whether we live in mediocrity … or whether we suffer a nuclear apocalypse in which a crafty café owner, who's squirreled away scones and ammunition in a vast network of underground bunkers, could rise to become feudal warlord of a brand new world. So ... who are you voting for again? The person I've been preparing ever since 2nd grade to vote for.

We've already had 35 people sign up for our new latte, scone and debt-consolidation loan combo. Where are you going to get all this money to loan people? Are you wearing a wire? Are you sure this is on the level? Smash your cellphone and I'll answer you.

"Laugh if you want, but I have my phone in here."

"Frankly, business sucks."

The world's greatest salesman.

"Actually, I'm not hungry anymore. While I was waiting for my scone, I had one of your delicious sconces instead!"