Scone Aficionado Gifts

"I thought you said I'd have to pull the sword from a scone!"

We've already had 35 people sign up for our new latte, scone and debt-consolidation loan combo. Where are you going to get all this money to loan people? Are you wearing a wire? Are you sure this is on the level? Smash your cellphone and I'll answer you.

Analysts have said the US and Russia are closer to nuclear war than ever. The outcome of the election tomorrow will probably determine whether we live in mediocrity … or whether we suffer a nuclear apocalypse in which a crafty café owner, who's squirreled away scones and ammunition in a vast network of underground bunkers, could rise to become feudal warlord of a brand new world. So ... who are you voting for again? The person I've been preparing ever since 2nd grade to vote for.

Rudy, I've got to cut you down to 25 hours per week. But the place is still busy. Someone has to work behind the counter. People are here, but not buying. They're pastry-container shopping. What? Like window shopping. Someday, I'm going to buy a slice of pie. I've got my eyes on a scone.

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

Scones Hot Line

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

'We have 800 beers on tap. If you want to hear all of them, you'll have to get here earlier, we close in six hours.'

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"All natural snow cones for sale."

'Have you been 'helping the environment by supporting local produce' again?'

"If I'd known we'd be this long wandering the wilderness I would never have worn these heels."

"The rolling wheels...the ringing bells...signal the deliciousness of summer."

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

"Wait, those crunchy, cheesy little fish thingies are free?!"

We are shaped by what we love! Especially pizza and doughnuts!

French wine

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

Beer Stall

'And if you can't find the microbrew you're looking for here, you might want to try our other store: Microbrews C to E.'

Secretive Weigh In.

Man with 'Real Ale' written on t-shirt, woman with 'Real Pine' written on rolling pin

Happy thoughts

Cheese

'I see you're still trying to get the staff enthused over the weekly meetings.' (Meeting offers free coffee, free snacks, eye-popping charts, exciting videos and free idea pads).

'No, really, go ahead. You know me - I'm all about the journey, not the food pellet!'

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

"The best thing about this, is the lovely honeycomb centre."

Joyce could certainly handle her drink!

"I can't even remember what we were fighting about."

"What kind of biscuits are they?"

Pope tarts.

'This must be heaven, because you sure look like an angel....'

'Pepperoni: Muse of Pizza'

'Just look at him. The face that lunched on a thousand chips.'