Skeptical Romantic Gifts

"Before I give you my answer I just gotta be sure you ain't one of them nasty olee-garks I've been hearing about."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Tunnel of love"

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Flat-earthers and round-earthers reach a compromise.

'No, I don't believe in life after birth. When you're born, you're born!'

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

Cupid's Valentine

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

"I never get a girls name tattooed on a first date."

"I never knew what love was until you came along and explained it to me."

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

"He's falsified data, he's falsified results...and now he says he loves me."

"We'll always have Paris. I backed it up on a zip drive."

"Nihilistic rage motivates me to cling desperately to this job."

"You have zero empathy, Carlton. And I can't even begin to imagine what that's like."

'He has no romance. For special occasions, he gives me a coupon for a card and chocolates that will be 50% off the next day.'

'I don't know, Randy - Marriage is so INTRUSIVE.'

'I've got SO much on my plate right now, Steve - Ask me again when I'm fifty.'

Swami Trevor's Brotherhood of Celestial Enlightenment

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."

"Can atheists refuse to participate?"

We have control of you brain.

"And you're telling me this because?"

'And don't say you could have done it cheaper and better at home.'

"Not on my watch..."

"Finally - my dating app just launched a 'Why am I seeing this loser?' feature."

"You're welcome. Glad you like them."