Skeptical Romantic Pillows

"Before I give you my answer I just gotta be sure you ain't one of them nasty olee-garks I've been hearing about."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Tunnel of love"

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

Flat-earthers and round-earthers reach a compromise.

'No, I don't believe in life after birth. When you're born, you're born!'

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

Cupid's Valentine

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

'I can't believe she married the prince after only one date.'

"Will you sign a legally binding contract to get the state involved if you ever decide to leave me?"

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

"Do you know 'Love Stinks,' by the J. Geils Band?"

"I never get a girls name tattooed on a first date."

"I never knew what love was until you came along and explained it to me."

Swami Trevor's Brotherhood of Celestial Enlightenment

'He has no romance. For special occasions, he gives me a coupon for a card and chocolates that will be 50% off the next day.'

"We'll always have Paris. I backed it up on a zip drive."

"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways..."

"Nihilistic rage motivates me to cling desperately to this job."

'I don't know, Randy - Marriage is so INTRUSIVE.'

'I've got SO much on my plate right now, Steve - Ask me again when I'm fifty.'

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

"You have zero empathy, Carlton. And I can't even begin to imagine what that's like."

We have control of you brain.

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."

"He's falsified data, he's falsified results...and now he says he loves me."

"And you're telling me this because?"

'And don't say you could have done it cheaper and better at home.'

"Not on my watch..."

"Finally - my dating app just launched a 'Why am I seeing this loser?' feature."

'I didn't know our relationship was SUPPOSED to be going anywhere.'

"You're welcome. Glad you like them."