Romantic Sceptic Pillows

"Isn't it romantic? All those pieces of space-junk, assorted human garbage and spy satellites, twinkling in the night sky."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

"And now, a little theorem for all you lovers out there."

Dating an English Major

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

When two philosophers date. So

"The emoji she used says she loves me..."

It's important to women that a man has a good relationship with his mother. Why's that? House of Java .Net Cybercafe. Because how a man treats his mother is a good indicator of how he'll treat a girlfriend. That's why I created an app that calls your phone and displays a photo of you hugging your mom whenever a gorgeous lady is within three feet of you. It also displays a nice, sweet lady whenever you're within three feet of your mom.

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

'He's a catch for any woman - there's so much to re-mould'

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"Why won't you cuddle?"

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

'Interesting article in Nature this week - apparently love's not a wave, it's a particle.'

'If I inspired this love peom, how come it's written on the back of a Hooters' napkin?'

"I want more than anonymous sex. I want anonymous intimacy."

'Have you two taken the COSMO 'compatibility test'?'

Cupid misses his shot.

"Oh darling! I just got your wonderful value added proposition! Of course I'll marry you!"

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

'It would never work, Tommy - you have all the growth funds and mine are all value...'

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"Of course I love you, I'm just busy with other men."

"Well, at first I didn't like him. But then his creepiness just grew on me."

"Beats me why but my girlfriend says I have a one-track mind."

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

She agreed to marry me, but she has to marry three other guys first.

Lance, do I make you want to be a better man? Let me put it this way, Gloria: you definitely make me want to SEEM to be a better man.

Mergers or acquisitions.

"It's a beautiful ring. She'll definitely pause for a moment before saying no."

'And that, in a nutshell, is why men don't understand women.'