Romantic Sceptic Pillows

"Isn't it romantic? All those pieces of space-junk, assorted human garbage and spy satellites, twinkling in the night sky."

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

"And now, a little theorem for all you lovers out there."

Dating an English Major

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"The emoji she used says she loves me..."

'He's a catch for any woman - there's so much to re-mould'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."

"Why won't you cuddle?"

"I want more than anonymous sex. I want anonymous intimacy."

'Interesting article in Nature this week - apparently love's not a wave, it's a particle.'

Cupid misses his shot.

"Oh darling! I just got your wonderful value added proposition! Of course I'll marry you!"

"Well, at first I didn't like him. But then his creepiness just grew on me."

"I don't love you anymore, Barry, but I still think you're a great American."

"Of course I love you, I'm just busy with other men."

'Would you like to come in for a rejection?'

"I hope you love me for my money, not for who I am."

She agreed to marry me, but she has to marry three other guys first.

"Beats me why but my girlfriend says I have a one-track mind."

'It would never work, Tommy - you have all the growth funds and mine are all value...'

'Marry you? What's in it for me?'

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

Mergers or acquisitions.

"It's a beautiful ring. She'll definitely pause for a moment before saying no."

'And that, in a nutshell, is why men don't understand women.'

"Helen, is it possible that we are using our child as an intimacy barrier?"