Sizing Skeptic Gifts

'This is too small. Get me a 12...How many times?! I'm a 10 or a 12 on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom depending on the shop, the cut of the fabric, the ambient air temperature, and the rotation of Pluto...and we always try the 10 first capiche?'

Heavy man sees 'Comfort Food' aisle

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I've had a lot of exercise today! I jumped to several conclusions, ran my mouth on the phone, and I just cycled through 500 cable channels!"

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

And this model comes with a fitness tracker.

'No, that doesn't make any difference either, Miss Jones.'

'Don't hide behind sales figures, Bill. We both know terminating me is philosophically unsound.'

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

'Let me introduce my biggest supporter, a real whale of a guy, a huge fan..'

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

Lite Beer.

Please seat to be weighted.

Woman and scales.

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

"I wouldn't have to go on a diet if we hadn't gone metric."

"We daren't go in there at our age. We'd probably end up with slipped discos!"

'Your weight second opinion.'

'...And when it registers over 140 pounds, it automatically triggers the refrigerator lock.'

'LIAR!'

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'

Airport Security. I had to go through the security pat-down three times --- They had trouble believing this is just my body and I'm not hiding anything.

Health Foods; "When did I ever eat back pain and trigger fingers?"

'I felt an overwhelming nostalgia for the old video games where you sit on your arse.'

'if your wife ever asks you to meet her at Pilates...don't! It's not a pizzeria.'

They all have to get down the slide in 2.7 seconds or we lose our funding. In schools soon: The recess aptitude test.

'You lie!'