Sizing Skeptic T-Shirts

'This is too small. Get me a 12...How many times?! I'm a 10 or a 12 on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom depending on the shop, the cut of the fabric, the ambient air temperature, and the rotation of Pluto...and we always try the 10 first capiche?'

Heavy man sees 'Comfort Food' aisle

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I've had a lot of exercise today! I jumped to several conclusions, ran my mouth on the phone, and I just cycled through 500 cable channels!"

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

And this model comes with a fitness tracker.

'No, that doesn't make any difference either, Miss Jones.'

'Don't hide behind sales figures, Bill. We both know terminating me is philosophically unsound.'

"Professor Williams had at first been reluctant to join the Assistant Deans in their Think Great Thoughts aerobics. He later came to enjoy the activity."

Weight Gain Denial

"I gained 10 pounds? I've brought my own bathroom scale for a second opinion."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"Running is great. Unless you compare it with not running."

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'What kind of quack is he? No pills, no special diets! He just believes in will power!'

"I wouldn't have to go on a diet if we hadn't gone metric."

'Let me introduce my biggest supporter, a real whale of a guy, a huge fan..'

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

Lite Beer.

Woman and scales.

'At least we don't have to worry about getting those as gifts.'

Please seat to be weighted.

'Your weight second opinion.'

"We daren't go in there at our age. We'd probably end up with slipped discos!"

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'

'LIAR!'

Health Foods; "When did I ever eat back pain and trigger fingers?"

'...And when it registers over 140 pounds, it automatically triggers the refrigerator lock.'

'if your wife ever asks you to meet her at Pilates...don't! It's not a pizzeria.'

'Wine and food doesn't go to waste in this hous, but it does go to waist.'

'Just thinking about New Year's resolutions makes me tired.'