Single Parenting Humorist Gifts

"The wheels on the Mercedes C300 Sport Sedan mommy got in the divorce settlement go round and round, round and round ..."

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"Does knowing you're being watched on a baby monitor keep you out of mischief?"

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"Have you seen my dad?"

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

'Wow! Your kid looks a lot like you!'

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

'The cool thing about being a kangaroo is that I can actually watch my baby grow...'

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

Child Being Dirty in the Bath.

'No not there. Let's try it over here this time...'