Humorist With A Parenting Twist Gifts

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

'The cool thing about being a kangaroo is that I can actually watch my baby grow...'

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

"Where's your nose?"