Humorist With A Parenting Twist Gifts

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"Have you seen my dad?"

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

"It's nice but I'm starting to think we should just wait for his real hair to grow in."

Fat Kid 23- Catches a bogie

'No not there. Let's try it over here this time...'

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

'The cool thing about being a kangaroo is that I can actually watch my baby grow...'

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"My wife tells me the bee has struck again!"

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'I'm afraid this doubles your bill.'