Humorist In Parenting Gifts

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

Madonna of the Pukes.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"Honey, you're spoiling that child."

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"We've decided that it will be better for his later development if we speak to him only in legalese."

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

'I'm afraid he's at that age when he's into everything!'

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

"Good news. It's a small pig."

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

Trick or Tweet

"Have you seen my dad?"

:Come on sweetie, you know the rule: You need to finish your chocolate cake before you can have your carrots...'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"Instead of taking a bath can I wear a flea collar?"

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

'It's the same model... he painted the second one eight months after the first painting.'

A man and his baby are wearing bibs with images of what they are eating.

"Greetings, Earthling. How are the schools?"

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'