Parental Humorist Gifts

'And you said he'd shoot his eye out with a BB Gun!'

"Doctor, should I have a baby after 38?"

'Help Doctor!! My baby swallowed a pencil!'

"Look dear. . . there I am the first day of school and there you are!"

"You know, we could easily handle this peacefully, but there are too many adults on the field."

"To show I'm not all that bad I'm sentencing you to eternity in the time out chair."

Giving birth with your husband present may be more painful.

"What happened to my beer? I had junior's milk today."

"Dad, can you just ground me instead?"

'Tsk - he will keep throwing things out of the buggy.'

'You should give that to the milkman.'

'Junior is just a little confused.'

"I can't cope with these kids; they're eating me out of house and home!"

'I hope Daddy wins the mating fight, otherwise, we'll end up with half brothers and sisters...'

'Remember,when he says 'gotta go download',he means 'go potty'.'

"Because, dang it, even cowgirls deserve a little 'me' time."

"You call and all you get is a recording of her laughing in your face."

You son's friends

Madonna of the Pukes.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

'Son, sometimes I think you don't know your head from your tail. Come to think of it, it is tough.'

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"Good news. It's a small pig."