Showbiz Aficionado Gifts

"And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to call to the stand an unequaled expert witness of exceptional excellence. Put your hands together. Give it up..."

"Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl..."

'This next song is about setting boundaries, and how now I wish I had.'

"Remember, Kimberly, I'm more than your agent. I'm your mother."

A cat rejects a dog performer's act.

Reality show pitch

"I've done this show six hundred thirty-seven times. Tonight in Act Two I'm going to sing 'The Jet Song' from 'West Side Story'."

'Mamma Mia, Les Mis, Leveson inquiry...'

Manager: 'EXCELLENT promoting Jan! It's another RECORD crowd!'

'Ladies and Gentlemen, please take your seats, tonight's performance is about to begin!'

"No need to sign a contract with J. Walters Agency. We take our branding seriously."

'To be honest Mr Gregson, I've seen better escapologists, goodnight.'

'You showbiz types can never make intelligent conversation!'

An audience with an audience!

'I'm not a magician, but I do keep live doves in my pants.'

Lena Heady

"I heard you're in show business."

"Really? I'll have you know I grew up in a circus and used to jump through flaming hoops: That is hardly scary..."

"Can I have another volunteer please, someone who if not unusually soft."

"But I must confess,s that despite my erudition and glibness, I'm still a sucker for a dog biscuit."

"Allow me to do the talking, okay."

"Only hired for a couple of episodes but I'm hoping to live off the conventions for the next twenty years."

Bette Midler

James Cagney

"In this business the ball takes funny bounces. I got you a recording contract."

When stars marry: 'Why did you ask him first? Does he have top billing?'

"Just got the script from the focus group. Fabulous!"

"Stop! He's my agent!"

"All right - I've given you equal billing. Will you come out now?"

'I want a statement from your publicist about this incident and I want it now!'

Bob's timing was off. Even a great act can fall flat if you show up the wrong night.

'I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but in order for Act 3 to go on we'll need an additional $17,000!'

'Call you back - I'm with my agent.'

Animal Actors

'He's a cheat I tell you - it's just a trick!'