Sermon Skeptics Gifts

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

Sermon: '...and on the eighth day he created creationists.'

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

'Item 56, we need to schedule a series of meetings to discuss whether we should have meeting to look at whether we're having too many meetings.'

"I'm going to tell them our number one way to be stress-free is taking a day off to go fishing."

Conspiracy Theory Bookstore: JFK, Princess Di, and Osama Bin Laden.

"But, Jesus - you can't become an atheist."

Flat-earthers and round-earthers reach a compromise.

'What is the meaning of poorly attended staff meetings.'

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'No, I don't believe in life after birth. When you're born, you're born!'

"I'm starting to prefer the ones who don't believe in me."

'If asked, we should all agree that this seminar never happened.'

Crystal Ball Plug

'But how could me speaking at the Secret New Products Seminar break our Confidentiality Agreement?'

Peter explains to the Disciples what really happened.

"Can atheists refuse to participate?"

Welcome. National Association of People Padding their Resumes with National Associations. And I think you'll agree, our pointless seminars have some really great titles this year!

"OK, so you've told us what God thinks... but now I'd like to know what YOU think!"

Swami Trevor's Brotherhood of Celestial Enlightenment

If there were no religion...s

'In compliance with Federal full-disclosure laws, I'm required to tell you that I'm really not all that sure about some of this stuff.'

"Nope! Not that one! They still believe that 'gods' created the universe!"

Priest to congregation, "I'm no different to you just because I wear a dog collar."

"Thank you for not praying."

"For cryin' out loud, are you signing up or not?"

Man to man re: crackpot's sign that says, 'Your Nutty Idea Here': Everybody's out to make a buck these days.

"Any church that requires a fire hydrant is admitting it's a fraud."

Bingo Addicts...

'I see you reaching into your wallet for a twenty dollar bill.'

"You snored through the whole motivational seminar."

"Podcasts, blech. It's like eavesdropping without the intrigue."

"I have a rich and generous son who wants to contribute to the heavenly fund."

"I think you've got the wrong person - I'm an atheist."

'Today's seminar will focus on individual accountability in the workplace. I did not deliver the handouts to the printer on time, soe we won't be able to refer to them. it's not my fault.'