Sentence Sympathizer Pillows

'And then the jury decided that I was ready for a long term relationship with the penal code system.'

"I'm the bad guy..."

"Wait, you never wash your cape?"

"Wings will be cool, I guess, but I'm mostly hoping the braces and pimples fall off."

'And I thought I had a big egg to lay.'

I've been feeling sluggish lately.

'Geoffrey's Tourette's is acting up.'

No need for you to read this. You seem to have got it to a fine art.

'Here's my report card and here's my personal disclaimer.'

'I wanted to hear the pita pata of tiny feet so he bought me a hamster.'

"Who the hell keeps doing that?"

'If you can hear me, Larry Gligstein, please send a text to 555-703-7193

"What are you crying about? You're the one who wins all the awards."

"This test wasn't fair! No way it's an accurate measure of what I know!"

Sauron's Sore Eye

Snail to Slug.

Scary Slug Stories

Neighbourhood watch and slug watch.

"I taught him to shake hands, and now he's running for congress!"

Frankenstein "Damn it! Not another ethic origin questionaire"

"It's father, doctor, he's creaking badly."

"Do you have any reading material that doesn't mock the sedentary life?"

Mayakovskiy V.V.

'I'm happy to say that both parties agree on the issue. It's got bi-partisan non-support.'

Now, this is a good garden: full of weeds! The likelyhood of somebody trying to poison us here is very low...

Man to complaints clerk: 'My dog just died and I think my wife's cheating on me.'

Sorry to hear about your accident.

"Look, honey! All your lost eye glasses have mysteriously migrated to this drawer, and now they're plotting their next escape."

"Brian says in 1976 we just got on with it."

Innocent Civilians

'I'm sorry, but we did all we could to try and save your husband, Mrs. Doornail.'

'There it is again...that mysterious feeling that we're clipped from a newspaper and hung on someone's refrigerator.'