Sentiment Sympathizer Pillows

"Well, they always say it's the thought that counts!"

Senior Jeopardy!

'And I thought I had a big egg to lay.'

Milton wonders if it would be possible to substitute scotch and sex for tea and sympathy.

'Geoffrey's Tourette's is acting up.'

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Here, try this."

'I wanted to hear the pita pata of tiny feet so he bought me a hamster.'

'If you can hear me, Larry Gligstein, please send a text to 555-703-7193

'But who comforts the comfort food? I'll tell you who: NOBODY.'

Sling

"Who the hell keeps doing that?"

"I taught him to shake hands, and now he's running for congress!"

"I'm sorry your head hurts, sweetie - is there anything I can do to make you shut up about it?"

Type A Flu.

'You are 14st 3lb..But then, you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.'

Sympathy Cards

Frankenstein "Damn it! Not another ethic origin questionaire"

Man to complaints clerk: 'My dog just died and I think my wife's cheating on me.'

"It's father, doctor, he's creaking badly."

'I'm happy to say that both parties agree on the issue. It's got bi-partisan non-support.'

"I need a card that's heavy on caring but light on commitment."

Sorry to hear about your accident.

"Look, honey! All your lost eye glasses have mysteriously migrated to this drawer, and now they're plotting their next escape."

Innocent Civilians

'I'm a failure as a manager and a husband.' - 'At least you're an excellent customer.'

"Brian says in 1976 we just got on with it."

Right v. Wrong Side of the Bed

'There it is again...that mysterious feeling that we're clipped from a newspaper and hung on someone's refrigerator.'

'For goodness sake, do it properly! Use your EYES! It's all about the EYES!!'