Sentiment Sympathizer Gifts

"Well, they always say it's the thought that counts!"

Senior Jeopardy!

'And I thought I had a big egg to lay.'

Milton wonders if it would be possible to substitute scotch and sex for tea and sympathy.

'Geoffrey's Tourette's is acting up.'

"Let me take that for you."

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Here, try this."

Hot flashes

Language, Died The Death of a Thousand Tweets

"I'm not saying you have to give them up entirely, but you need to eat your young in moderation."

"They think it's easy being the bleedin' bluebird of happiness!"

'I wanted to hear the pita pata of tiny feet so he bought me a hamster.'

'But who comforts the comfort food? I'll tell you who: NOBODY.'

Sling

"It has a nice soft shoulder. You said you needed one to cry on, didn't you?"

"Who the hell keeps doing that?"

'If you can hear me, Larry Gligstein, please send a text to 555-703-7193

'Good old fashioned turkey shoot.'

"I'm sorry your head hurts, sweetie - is there anything I can do to make you shut up about it?"

"I taught him to shake hands, and now he's running for congress!"

Sympathy Cards

Type A Flu.

'You are 14st 3lb..But then, you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.'

Frankenstein "Damn it! Not another ethic origin questionaire"

'I'm happy to say that both parties agree on the issue. It's got bi-partisan non-support.'

"It's father, doctor, he's creaking badly."

Man to complaints clerk: 'My dog just died and I think my wife's cheating on me.'

"I need a card that's heavy on caring but light on commitment."

Sorry to hear about your accident.

"Brian says in 1976 we just got on with it."

Right v. Wrong Side of the Bed

Innocent Civilians

"Look, honey! All your lost eye glasses have mysteriously migrated to this drawer, and now they're plotting their next escape."

'I'm a failure as a manager and a husband.' - 'At least you're an excellent customer.'

'For goodness sake, do it properly! Use your EYES! It's all about the EYES!!'