Senior Living Gifts

'Help! I've fallen UP and I can't get back down!'

'Okay, we grew old together - Now what?'

Guide To Elderly Services - Care & Don't Care.

'So June, do you think we should get a stairlift or just move to a bungalow...because, let's face it, we're getting on and here will come a point...when you won't be able to carry me up the stairs anymore.'

Cutting the cost of assisted living facilities

"We settled into the one-level after our hips got bad."

"Sometimes I wish I could just jump into the dryer and come out wrinkle-free!"

"You want the truth? I can't remember the truth!"

"It's good that he can manage the stairs at his age."

'I'm ninety-two! Tell me what I'm doing wrong... I dare you!"

'Studies show more people are living into their 90's and we're smarter.'

"Where's the Viagra?!" "Where's the fire escape?!"

Which vaccines did they have when you were young? You cannot get under my skin, loser. Were you vaccinated against the black plague? Not bothering me. Were you vaccinated against leprosy? I am unaffected by you. Were you vaccinated against the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs? Munch mun - When's the last time someone shoved a syrupy pancake down your pants?

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

"We must do something about this memory loss, Richard."

"The older I get, the more I change from a lounge lizard into a bathroom lizard..."

"I googled to remember why I came into this room."

"Hmm, most common places old farts leave their glasses and car keys!!"

"My novel is about a romance between an octogenarian and a septuagenarian, but I can't remember which is which."

"I found the perfect guy on that dating site for seniors. We're so compatible. We take the same medications!"

"At my age, your legs and bowels begin to go."

New Scoots for Old Coots!

Getting Old Sucks: "Incontinence hotline. Can you hold please?"

Eating Pills

"Ageing gracefully is just a nicer way of saying you're slowing looking like s**t."

"I look forward to growing dead with you."

"He's been in there for about three weeks. . . I warned him that he was too old to sit in a seventies bean bag."

"His hip isn't getting any better. I really should have him put to sleep."

"My memory's so bad I can plan my own surprise party."

'He broke his wrist trying to open his medicine.'

'The invisible man as a senior citizen.'

'Ma lost her car keys!. . . When was the last time you saw your keys, Ma.'

Pensioner Haircuts

Express checkout lane for younger person prescription pick-ups.

'It was a gift from AARP.'